10. Jupiter Ascending
You know, i was a huge fan of the Witchaowski siblings back in 2012 with Cloud Atlas, even though everyone else thought it was a so-so film. I was on-board for anything they wanted to do in the future and got excited to see Jupiter Ascending, only to hear it was being delayed back in 2014 to a early February release instead of the July release. Apparently the reasoning was to polish some visual effects but lets be honest here, the studios knew what they had here and were trying to cut their losses. Jupiter Ascending is a film that could possibly be a TV mini series, but instead is a very rushed, confusing 2 hour film, composed of some baffling logic, bad acting (Redmayne im looking at you) and some lavish world building. When sitting down and forming this list, this was the film that made me go “that came out this year? And i saw it!?”
9. No Escape
The best thing i can say about this film is that the font they used in the film to show their title was cool. Thats honestly about it, cause everything else was incredibly forgettable. The first mistake was casting Owen “wow” Wilson in the lead as a father trying to get his family out of the country as rebels are trying to kill them. What makes this equally offensive is Pierce Brosnan is actually in this as a spy and has the worst on screen death I’ve seen in years. It never fails in making me laugh historically as he gets hit by a truck while screaming “yeaaaaaaa”. Pathetic.
8. Jurassic World
I was actually looking forward to this, i even re-watched the whole series before seeing this one in advance. What I got was a lifeless film full of plot threads that go no where, character decisions that are baffling and insulting to the audience. And some of the very worst movie logic ever (fixing the jeep scene). There are so many things that could have been fixed early on, if someone actually sat down and read the script while not being drunk that maybe we would have finally gotten a good Jurassic Park film for the first time in over 20 years, but alas, it would appear that i’m in the minority in disliking this film as venously as other people. My biggest fear is that now this lifeless director, Colin Trevverow, is now in charge of Star Wars Episode 9. God help us all.
7. Terminator Genesis
Speaking of God helping us all, Im pretty sure i can call this series officially dead, and the thing that killed it was this film. All hope was gone as soon as Jai Courtney was cast, a bland nothing, boring, hot guy as Kyle Reese. In this single move, it showed me the filmmakers full intentions with the film, if the marketing department hadn’t already done that. Thats right, AGAIN we have the trailers, poster, tv spots spoiling a huge twist that happens over an hour into the film; in effect hurting it, cause the audience is just sitting there waiting on that thing we saw in the trailers to start showing up. This single move caused me to stop watching trailers all together and it really has improved my movie going experience. But i digress, again we get a PG-13 Terminator film that waters it down so hard and makes a film that actually hurts the first Terminator as well as T2. I loathe this film.
6. The Green Inferno
Here’s another film i actually wanted to support, due to it being completely different from any other horror film released this year, which is to say, actually released around Halloween! The biggest offence this film makes is having, hands down, the worst acting of the entire year. Its laughably bad with the filmmakers wanting us to have sympathy for some SJW’s (Social Justice Warriors) while they try and save some forest and promptly get massacred wonderfully. I have to give some props to the special effects department and having some truly horrific things happen on screen without trying to censor to appeal to all audiences. At the end of the day though, its just a bad film that tries just a bit too hard in some areas and ends up falling flat.
5. Furious 7
Ok so this one may just be on me, but i haven’t seen over half the films in this series, but its not the missing plot that had me mad. I understand silly cinema, and if done correctly, can work and be fun. But this was just ineptly made, with some of the worst camera work i’ve seen since Quantum of Solace. There really doesn’t need to be 18 cuts in changing gears in a car, while shaking the camera. Also please explain to me, why you would want to take the most charismatic and fun character of The Rock and put him in a bed for 85% of the film. Its just poorly made dribble that apparently everyone thought was a good film. The other part that i found insulting was the audience considering this to be well made action. Has the bar been hammered down this far? This was also before Mad Max Fury Road came out, and while i did ask the same question of “is this well made action” after Fury Road came out, i got no responses from the people i asked. Zach wins.
4. Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance
Samurai Cop was a darling little film that came out back in 1989 that was an incompetent, horribly written mess that was two tons of fun to watch and re-watch as a bad film that works in multiple ways. How bad is it then that over 20 years later, everyone gets back together (minus the writer and director, due to his death) and make a sequel. What could possibly go wrong? Well, unfortunately everything went wrong. The plot simply doesn’t make any sense in the slightest, to put it simply, around the hour mark i was unable to follow what exactly was happening in the film, why and why exactly i should care. Imagine 40 minutes of watching a film, not knowing what is going on at any moment. If i had to give one positive, its whenever Tommy Wiseu is on screen, tearing the set apart, no really thats what happens.
I would rather have a migrane than watch this film again. Blackhat isn’t the worst thing ever, but when i saw this with friends at a free screening, every single fiber of me wanted to walk out. It was only after the fact, when i asked my friends what they thought, that they wanted to walk out as well. I could have saved myself actual time where i could have gotten things done. The worst offense this film makes is having it be incredibly boring, while having no tension what-so-ever. Its a bland boring void of nothingness that is impossible to escape from, that originally was the worst of the year. I honestly thought to myself, it cant possibly get worse….it got worse.
2. 50 Shades of Grey
I was there opening night, the lone man in an audience full of women “ooh”ing and “aww”ing at the muscles on a guy. Im not quite sure what offended me the most about the whole experience, the fact that men are mostly regarded as perverts that only watch stuff like this for the titlation; and having women all around me making sounds that if i did, i would get thrown out of the theatre. Or could it be that the female characters in this film being used as a blank slate with no personality, no character and no resemblance to a human being what-so-ever? I think it was both, but i would rather jam a fork into my leg, than have to sit through this dribble ever again. For the sequel i actually might have to go in drunk, just to endure the amount of bullshit that we’ll have to sit through.
1. Attack On Titan (parts 1 and 2)
Also known as “F*ck You The Movie”, this is a testimate on how to never do an adaptation. Im honestly at a loss for words, cause i’m just tired of railing against this film. If you want to really read my harshest reactions toward it, go read my review here: http://culturesmash.tv/2015/10/03/movie-review-attack-on-titan-part-one/
For those interested in my thoughts on Part 2, i did sneak booze in, so i came prepared and did get a bit tipsy while watching it, but seriously, its a complete and total mess. The plot, now completely derailed from the source material, winds its way into a completely predictable circle that anyone with half a brain could figure out in the first film. Its total garbage, but i would like to now congratulate the film on now being my #1 worst film I’ve ever seen! Somehow it was able to over take Disaster Movie. Honestly thats a feat i thought i would never see topped.